My horoscope today:

I want to adopt an animal for companionship. This guy looks like he'd be fun.

If I'm really man's best friend, how come he won't teach me how to use the can opener?

Did you watch the State of the Union speech the other night? Shocking. Not one mention of dogs.

Can you imagine what the cats were like when they boarded Noah's Ark? Probably demanded to sit in first-class. Bunch of pampered whiners.

I'm slowly figuring this out: When the doorbell rings on tv, there's actually nobody at my front door.

My mother was right: Run around with a stick in your mouth, and someone's going to get hurt.