My horoscope today:

They keep my bacon treats locked in a cabinet. But I have a plan:

A headline you will NEVER see:

Review of the movie "Eat Pray Love."

I really liked the "Eat" part.

Wow. This guy sheds a lot.

If James Bond let me ride in his cool car, I promise I wouldn't fire any missiles.

Dear Mrs. Merkowitz: Sorry about disrupting your barbecue this weekend.

To be honest, with 4 legs, sometimes I forget which one goes first.

What every dog needs: a pitching machine.

Random things I will bark at tomorrow:

-any driveway longer than 12-feet long

-a 3-hole-punch

-any yellow throw pillow

-tv commercials for The Swiffer with that scary mop that sings

-all doorknobs

Why are they discussing a dog bed for me? This bed works just fine.

My tax dollars are paying firemen to rescue this?

I was offered a job in Alaska, but I turned it down.

I hate the cold.

I'm planning a vacation to go sniff this rock.

Wow! Look at all those parked cars that I can chase!

I've always suspected that the chipmunks were talking about me. Now I can know for sure.

If there was a Museum of Chewy Toys, this should definitely be in it.

For times like these, America needs a real hero.

It must be great to be the President's dog. If you can't catch a squirrel, the Secret Service guys catch it for you.

Attention cats: Nobody ever named a bus after you.

Dogs rule. I'm just sayin'.

Hello to all my friends from obedience school! Anyone get in trouble yet?

I don't get it. Petco lets me into their store. Why not Bloomingdales?

Dear Mrs. Merkowitz: I'm very sorry about your garden.

Carpets I have ruined.

Anybody know a good lawyer?

Random things that I will bark at tomorrow:

-a door hinge

-The Judge Judy show

-a laundry basket

-anything beige

-every minivan I see

-wallpaper

My conversation with the French Poodle down the street:

Me: Wanna go roll in some mud?

Poodle: Can't mess up my pink bow.

Me: Wanna trample some flowers?

Poodle: Can't mess up my pink bow.

Me: Wanna steal some cupcakes from the kitchen?

Poodle: Can't mess up my pink bow.

Me: Wanna chew up the tv clicker?

Poodle: Can't mess up my pink bow.

Me: Ok, see ya later.

Every night, I dream about squirrels. Am I normal?

My vet said I have fleas. But I'm getting a second opinion.

For crying out loud, doesn't this guy know what a fire hydrant is for?

Review of the new "Cats & Dogs" movie:

Skip all the parts about cats.