Now that the President has released his birth certificate, I will release mine:

If I could go to the amusement park, I would just stay on this ride all day.

A message to my owners: Stop spelling "o-u-t-s-i-d-e." I know what it means.

I've been working out lately. Pretty soon I should be able to fetch this stick.

Someone asked me what I was doing for the long weekend. Hello? I'm a dog, I do the same thing every weekend.

This Valentine's Day, give the gift of passion.

Random things I will bark at today:

-red throw pillows

-anybody named Phil

-tube socks

-the kid next door practicing his clarinet

-anything with a shadow

A dog's favorite part of any magazine: The scratch 'n sniff ads.

I'm not the smartest dog on the planet. But these crosswords are so hard to finish.

My horoscope today:

I want to adopt an animal for companionship. This guy looks like he'd be fun.

If I'm really man's best friend, how come he won't teach me how to use the can opener?

Did you watch the State of the Union speech the other night? Shocking. Not one mention of dogs.

Can you imagine what the cats were like when they boarded Noah's Ark? Probably demanded to sit in first-class. Bunch of pampered whiners.

I'm slowly figuring this out: When the doorbell rings on tv, there's actually nobody at my front door.

My mother was right: Run around with a stick in your mouth, and someone's going to get hurt.

What a beautiful winter wonderland. My sincere apologies for the yellow snow.

They're leaving out a plate of cookies for Santa tonight. Oh right, like those will really last.

Merry Christmas everyone.

I'm used to people being much bigger than me. So this Santa's Village decoration is really messing with my head.

Tried putting Christmas lights on the doghouse last night. One bulb goes out, they all go out!

So I chewed them all up.

Think you had a bad day? Try getting neutered.

Christmas is coming. What should I leave for the mailman?

Legs I will hump today:

Having the whole family over for Thanksgiving. It was real easy to set the table.

I heard that people go to these things called "sleep studies." I don't get it. Who has trouble sleeping?

My horoscope today:

I think everyone should take their dog to work. Especially if they work at a hot dog stand.

What I'm listening to on my iPod:

-Dog Whistle #1

-Dog Whistle #2

-Dog Whistle #3

-Dog Whistle #4

-Dog Whistle #5

My owner left the house for 3 minutes yesterday. Or was it 6 hours? I can never tell the difference.

My horoscope today:

I'm planning my Thanksgiving menu. Anybody know a good recipe for turkey kibble?

Tomorrow's schedule:

I will chase him from 9-12 pm:

I will chase him 12 - 3 pm:

I will chase him 3-5 pm.

Halloween is tomorrow. Those punks better not toilet paper my doghouse.

Election Day is coming. Not sure who I'm endorsing for dog catcher.

If that Dog Whisperer spoke a little louder, I might be able to hear what he was saying.

Things I will beg for today:

A Cherry Pop-Tart

Some mushroom soup, even though I hate mushrooms

Salami, thin sliced

That cheese wedge on the top shelf of the fridge

Another Cherry Pop-Tart

Oyster crackers

Anybody want to join me for a drink later?

I don't mind waiting at the vet. It's the magazines in the waiting room that really bug me.

Wait just a minute! This dog gets to use toilet paper?

Went for my annual hearing test. I can still hear 7 miles away.

A headline you will NEVER see:

If I had sailed with Columbus, I would have sniffed out America 6 days sooner.

It's a long weekend. I don't feel like fetching a damn thing.

Dear Samsung: Your TV Clicker Model# A627 has no flavor at all.

Let me tell you, floppy ears can be a real pain when you're trying to use a Q-Tip.

I chased these guys for 9 miles. Didn't catch them. Had to get a ride home.

Some recommendations for your next Book Club:

I've always wanted to play the trombone. Not sure that's ever going to happen.

This is brilliant.

Decisions, decisions...

Whoops. My bad.

If dogs had signed The Declaration of Independence:

Zappos is great. You order shoes, they arrive the next day, and you can chew them that afternoon.

Was Toto really the right dog for Dorothy?

Here's what I would have done: Chase that stupid Wicked Witch up a tree, chew her stupid broomstick in half, bite those flying monkeys, and then get us back to Kansas in 5 minutes flat. That's what a dog does for its owner. I'm just sayin'.

Another picture of my invisible fence:

A headline you will NEVER see:

It's my birthday today. I think that means I get special poop bags.

Random things I will bark at tomorrow:

-a curtain rod

-any ceiling fan

-the theme song to "Gilligan's Island"

-anybody named Bob

No wonder cats need 9 lives. Look at the dangerous things they do all day.

I heard a guy complaining about wearing a tie around his neck all day. Too bad, pal.

Mortgage rates are at an all-time low. I'm thinking about buying.

He rides around in a fire truck. I'm stuck with a Hyundai.